Twas the Night Before Christmas (Lawyers version)

Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be
heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent
related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace
in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear,
had also become quiescent inanticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a species found in artic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:
“Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet,
Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen”; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit
gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.,
Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!