Santa’s Flight Check

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Santa’s Official Military Visit

To: All Personal
From: Christopher K. Ringle, OIC, Special Services
Subject: Operation Order 12-98: Officlal Visit of Major General Claus

1. An official visit by Major General Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this facility 25 December 1998. The following directives will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1998. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from CIP prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items.

c. Personnel will utilize standard “T” ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in “T” ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. These items will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1998, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned “wandering eyeball” stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. In coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by MG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator’s license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout “On Dancer, On Dancer, etc.”

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies prior to 23 December. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” or “Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night.” This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

Three Stages of Man

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.

Sweat Her Choice

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

Politically Correct Rudolph

Original text is followed by the “politically correct” translation.

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer …
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,

Original: Had a very shiny nose …
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.

Original: And if you ever saw him …
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,

Original: You would even say it glows …
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark as to its
illuminary qualities.

Original: All of the other reindeer …
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,

Original: Used to laugh and call him names …
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms —
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.

Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games …
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.

Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve …
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,

Original: Santa came to say …
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.

Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright …
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,

Original: Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.

Original: Then all the reindeer loved him …
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.

Original: And they shouted out with glee …
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer …
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,

Original: You’ll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!

Reindeer For Sale

FOR SALE

Nine white reindeer. Male. Range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition which is chronic, but doesn’t seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.

Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, snc@workshop.arc.npole

Reforming Santa

(Dec 19, 1996 01:54 a.m. EST) — NEWS ITEM: Santa

Santa Claus Is A Woman? (A Rebuttal)

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here’s why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to “bond” with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat.”

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don’t care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte’s. Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there’d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn’t need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say “HO HO HO”. She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa’s a guy alright!

Santa’s Reindeer

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (which are the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen……..had to be a female.

We should have known this when they were able to find their way.

Star Wars Christmas

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats … lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!”

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader’s reach, “How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?”

Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, “I felt your presents.”

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