Classifieds & Ad Translator

“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:”
You’ll be making under $7 an hour.

“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:”
You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

“PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:”
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY:”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:”
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:”
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

“IMMEDIATE OPENING:”
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:”
We have a lot of turnover.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“FLEXIBLE HOURS:”
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:”
We have no quality control.

“COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:”
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

“CAREER-MINDED:”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON:”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:”
You whine, you’re fired.

“I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:”
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
“I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:”
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:”
I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:”
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:”
I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M PERSONABLE:”
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:”
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:”
I carry a Day-Timer.

“MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:”
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

“I AM ADAPTABLE:”
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:”
The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.

“I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:”
I’m a college drop-out.

“THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:”
Wait! Don’t throw me away!

“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:”
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

This is AT&T

This is AT&T
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…;
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…;
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…;
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.;
Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes
thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my
salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still
waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…;
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…;
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.;
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling. (
When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this
lady was persistent.)
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a
“rate” of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could
clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s
right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the
end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I
get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per
year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute. Are
you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10
cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the
Inquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is
getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait
of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: Supervisor: Mr.
Byron?
Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. I had to
swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my
laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you
back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I
needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for
our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little
brother…
AT&T: (click)

Using Humor in Public Speaking

Using Humor in Public Speaking