Ten Best Things To Say…
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to.”
8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just
in time!”
7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm.”
6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”
4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.”
3.. “The coffee machine is broken…”
2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at yourdesk…
1. ” .. in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Pastor’s Bad Memory, The
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well-known motivational speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire
crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying “And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him that morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she was!”
Signs Found In Kitchens
Kitchen closed – - this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house…but please don’t write in it!
Apology…Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to
lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.
I’d live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.
Pearly Gates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly
gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it
into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When
you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”
“One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is
by the grace of God!”
“Come on in!”
Lie, The
by ROGER ROTVOLD on Nov. 10, 1999
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a
group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12
years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest
the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What
are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can
take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us
can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys
shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and
ending with , “Why when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the
reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them,
the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give
him the dog.”
Church Funnies
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as
they were on the way to church service, “And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little
girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned
them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he
picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the
pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered,
“It’s Adam’s suit!!”
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang
and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had
enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in
church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See
those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
“Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we
alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at
bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the
prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right
up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into
temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen.”
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A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was
coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he
would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way
down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was
near tears from laughing so hard by the time
he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was
getting more and more distressed from all the laughing,
and was also near tears by the time he reached the
pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
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One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting
up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did
their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on
his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the
foyer, the little one called loudly to the
congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”
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And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us
our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in
our baskets.”
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One student’s prayer:
“Now I lay me down to rest,
And hope to pass tomorrow’s test.
If I should die before I wake,
That’s one less test I have to take.”
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A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t
make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having
a real good time like I am.”
Buying Gifts For Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can
I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch
socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn’t
have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple
of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, A1 Lumber, Home
Depot, IFA, Valley Tire, Uintah RV Center. NAPA Auto Parts, and Sears
Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he
doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.
Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas
line leaks. “Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a burger?”
Rule #12:
Tickets to a hockey game are a smart gift. However, he will NOT appreciate
tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don’t know why, please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.
Rule #14:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8-inch manila
rope. No one knows why.
Best T-Shirts of the Summer
Every year Bob Levey compiles & prints
“Best T-Shirts of the Summer” in his
column in the Washington Post. I hope
you enjoy them as much as I did.
“Best T-Shirts of the Summer”
Part II
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a
Little Shopping.
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What
It’s All About.
I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food
Chain to Be a Vegetarian
(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men… Some Things
are Just Better Rich.
Liberal Arts Major… Will Think For Money.
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is
Optional
IRS–Be Audit You Can Be.
Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the
Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the
Kitchen.
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
The Old Pro…Often Wrong…Never In Doubt.
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving
Isn’t For You.
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That’s One of the Risks You Take.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in
That Order.
“Best T-Shirts of the Summer”
Part I
(around a picture of dandelions) I
Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
G-d Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us
Friends (Dash inputted by LadyHawke.)
If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven,
I Ain’t Going.
At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All,
Heard It All…I Just Can’t Remember It All.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My
Head Tell Me To Do.
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did
This To Me, Oprah.
If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t
We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient
Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed
gentleman”).
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re
OK Now.
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s
thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too
busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an
idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s
only human.
When doing something without being told,
you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing,
that’s initiative.
When you take a stand, you’re being
bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette,
you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s
being original.
When you please your boss, you’re
apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s
being co-operative.
When you’re out of the office, you’re
wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s
on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re
always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he
must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be
going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s
because he’s overworked.
Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors
of the sale (and some advertising in the
local paper) were the main reason for the
long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s
opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front
of the line, only to be pushed back, amid
loud and colorful curses. On the man’s
second attempt, he was punched square
in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and
then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to
the person at the end of the line…
“That does it! If they hit me one more time,
I won’t open the store!”