Family: Building Family Traditions

TAKE INVENTORY OF YOUR FAMILY TRADITIONS

Some families think they have too many or enough traditions and some wish they had more. Because traditions can play such an important part in family life, a couple (engaged or married) or family may want to take inventory of family traditions and perhaps discuss new traditions that would enrich their lives together. The following list of questions will help you get started. It is adapted from William J. Doherty, The Intentional Family. Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties, chapter 12.* (Doherty refers to traditions as ‘dtuals.’)

Evaluating Your Family Rituals
Directions:
Put a plus sign (+) in the left column if you think this rit- ual is already strong in your family and does not need much improvement.

Put a zero(0) 9 you think this ritual could use some improvement. Put a minus (-) if you think this ritual could use a lot of improvement.

Write ‘no’ if you think this ritual is not important or you don’t want to work on it.

1. We have meals together regularly.
2. Our mealtimes are full of good feeling and good con- versation.
3. We often share enjoyable family activities at home.
4. We often share enjoyable family activities away from home.
5. We have rich holiday rituals.
6. We share enjoyable family vacations.
7. We engage in regular positive contact with our relatives.
8. We celebrate birthdays well.
We have satisfying ways to acknowledge Mother’s Day 10. We have satisfying ways to acknowledge Father’s Day.
11. (For families with young children) We have satisfy- ing bedtime rituals.
12. (For couples) We regularly find time alone to talk. 13. (For couples) We use bedtime as a way to connect
at the end of the day.
14. (For couples) We go out alone together on a regular basis.
15. (For couples)We celebrate anniversaries in a way that is meaningful to both of us.
16. We regularly see family friends.

17. We are actively involved in a church/synagogue mosque, or a similar community concerned with beliefs, ethics, and values.
18. We are involved in neighborhood activities.
19. We participate in recreational or educational groups and activities (for example, athletic programs, book clubs, support groups).
20. We are involved in activities to better our community.
21. (For parents) We talk to our children about social
and community concerns.
22. (For parents) We are active in our children’s school. For each ritual you would like to improve, ask yourself these follow-up questions:

1. Is a ritual missing where you’d like one to be?
2. What is the current ritual lacking?
3. Is there too much responsibility placed on one family member?
4. Are family members achieving a balance between individual time and family time?
5. Is an underlying family problem hurting the ritual?

Guidelines for Talking to Family Members About Changing Rituals

1. Choose a peaceful moment for the discussion.

2. Explain that you would like to discuss a specific family ritu- al, that you have been thinking about this family ritual and want to hear their thoughts as well.

3. Express your feelings and needs related to the ritual.

4. Invite the others to share their own feelings, needs, and thoughts about the ritual.

5. Offer your ideas tentatively, rather than definitively.

6. Negotiate a trial run of a new or modified ritual that balances everyone’s needs.

7. Agree to follow up to determine how everyone likes the new or modified ritual.

As couples and families think of ways to enhance family unity, strength, security, and identity, their traditions can become richer and more satisfying as they become a reliable part of family life. A couple can choose from the best traditions in their families of origin and choose new traditions to build together and with their children.

*William J. Doherty, The Intentional Family. Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties (New York: Avon, 1999, in press) C) 1997 by William J. Doherty.
Used by permission.

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