What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.

The Santa Claus at ZCMI was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked upandsat on his lap but Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type

"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.

"Something for my mother, " said the young lady.

"Bring for your mother? Well, that's wha call thoughtful,''
smiled Santa. "What can I get her?"

After thinking for a moment, the girl brightened,
turned to Santa and said:

"I'd like for her to get a son-in-law "

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

There was a young reindeer named Nate
Who at Christmas would procrastinate
"I'll buy presents tomorrow,"
He'd say, to his sorrow,
for Christmas by Easter's too late.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.

Reindeer Bar

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door,
bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender
mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the
twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games
in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claus!

Q. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.

There once was a woman named Bess
For whom holiday cooking meant stress.
Five puddings, ten turkeys
And a thousand beef jerkeys -
Bess did tend to cook to excess.

Q. Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A. Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

Q. Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A. Because the angel had said,"No L!"

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

One Christmas we made a great fire
And built it up higher and higher.
So when Santa came down
the chimney, he'd frown
And complain, "You've made me perspire!"

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
A. Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q. What do elves learn in school?
A. The Elf-a-bet.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Mistletoe!

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frost-bite.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new
Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone
loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker
and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek
black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and
outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

"How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" to
which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of
metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her
Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried,
"How could you do that?" to which she replied,

"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

Q. What nationality is Santa?
A. North Polish.

Q. What do you get if you deep fry Santa?
A. Crisp Cringle

The Santa Claus at ZCMI was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked upandsat on his lap but Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type

"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.

"Something for my mother, " said the young lady.

"Bring for your mother? Well, that's wha call thoughtful,'' smiled Santa. "What can I get her "

After thinking for a moment, the girl brightened, turned to Santa and said:

"I'd like for her to get a son-in-law "

Q. What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A. We'll have a BOO Christmas without you.

Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa Claus caught in a revolving door.

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife,"Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded,"I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Q. Why did the elf slide his bed into the fireplace?
A. He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. What did Santa Claus shout to the toys on Christmas Eve?
A. OK everybody - sack time!

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A PEN-guin

Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A. Because it is too far to walk.

"The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Years Day."
"So I understand, but, then, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."

Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers Make out your Chopin Liszt early before
Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can
still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to
give Bach things you decide you don't want.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offence", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"