I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could
possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when
they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a
last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt,
but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens
the 11th hour decision-making burden.)

On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he
were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning
to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd till have
transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this
the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where
the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in
the flue. He would also need to check or carbon monoxide fumes in
every
gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful
of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously
inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would
require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men......... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam
is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these
individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St.
Nick. Not a chance.

As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and
Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes
little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!