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Humor: How Mothers Were Created
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”
Humor: My Mother Taught Me . . .
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t
go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to
freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a
good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when
you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to
you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come
running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home.”
and my all time favorite thing–JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”
Why God Made Moms
( The answers given by elementary school age children to the following
questions: )
—-”Why Did God make Mothers?”
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
—–”How Did God Make Mothers?”
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger parts.
—-”What Ingredients Are Mother’s Made Of ?”
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly
use string I think.
—-”Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other Mom?”
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like
me.
—-”What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom?”
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff…..
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
—-”What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married Him?”
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer?
Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?
—-”Why Did Your Mom Marry Your Dad ?”
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats
a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
—-”Who’s The Boss At Your House?”
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such
a goofball
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than
dad.
—-”What’s The Difference Between Moms And Dads?”
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
’cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend’s.
—-”What Does Your Mom Do In Her Spare Time?”
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
—-”What Would It Take To Make Your Mom Perfect?”
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some
kind of plastic
surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
—-”If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What Would It Be?”
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d
get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister
who did it and not me.