Jasper and the uncooked yeast rolls (The dog Pepto Bismol Story)

by Ann Jeffries

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several! nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was however assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for five hours. After three hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 PM when I went to the living room to retrieve the pans. Much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dogs out to relieve themselves. Well, the damn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls and falling flat on his butt. Most of the time when he was walking, his front half was going in one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn’t lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn’t stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon.

I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours! Also we had to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister’s house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk [124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don’t believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that’s not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart, and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee’s, thankful she didn’t live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister’s garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper’s latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, “what goes in must come out” and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind.

But alas a dog’s digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee’s house. Having discovered his “packages” on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel.

I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn’t degrading enough, the damn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor. These had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry’s sister’s house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them, and decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.

Now I’m doing research on the computer as to “How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet.” And how was your Day?

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ———————————————– Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes——————————- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store —— Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh
His magician uncle ——————————– Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin —————————————- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ————— Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ————————————- Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ——————————– Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ————————————– Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ————————————– Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ———————————– Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ————————————– Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

Maxine – The always funny lady!!

An assortment of funny Maxine images.  Guaranteed to make you smile!

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work.

But, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s a blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

‘What in the name of good GOD are you doing?’

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’

I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, And where do you think you’re going?!’

(You’re gonna love this….)

She said, ‘I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.’

2 elderly friends…

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and — lo and behold! –there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’

Bill replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’ ..

‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading to or over 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember —- now!

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Funny Cartoons – 1

Here is a great collection of funny sayings and cartoons. 

Anything for 20.00?

I t has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……

On one condition’

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said….

‘Clean my house.’

(YOU GO, GIRL!)

Funny! Mother Goose Tells The Truth About Middle Age

Always choose the option to view with PicLens

Photo: That’s My Story

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