Seven Proven Tools for Bouncing Back

by Dr. Stephen Kraus

Everyone suffers setbacks in life. Whether you are trying tolose weight, kick a bad habit, or build a thriving business,a few “bumps in the road” are inevitable.

Some people rebound quickly after setbacks, while others letsmall lapses “snowball” into total relapses and completecollapses. To improve your odds of bouncing back, try theseseven proven techniques for being more resilient and persistent.

1. Recognize the true cause. Sometimes poor progress towardgoals simply results from a lack of time or effort, and can beimproved with better scheduling or a stronger commitment. Onother occasions, setbacks are triggered by tempting cues -a dieter might pig out after discovering a forgotten bag ofOreos, or a recovering alcoholic might “fall off the wagon” after socializingwith his old drinking buddies.

But research shows that tempting cues tend to trigger temporary,isolated setbacks rather than full-blown relapses. Instead,the primary drivers of major setbacks are stress and negativeemotions. For example, about half of all failures to quitsmoking are driven by negative emotional states such asboredom, frustration, anger, anxiety and depression,whereas only about 5% are attributable directly to physicalwithdrawal symptoms.

2. Make a plan. Having identified the main drivers ofsetbacks, create a “stress response plan” by filling in theblank: “When I feel stressed or upset, I will deal with itproductively by _____ “. Examples might include exercise,meditate, call a friend for support, go to a movie, and so on.

Productive, pre-emptive reactions like these to stress arepowerful predictors of life change. Among those who lose weightand keep it off, virtually none eat when getting upset;however, of those who lose weight and regain it, about 80%eat in response to stress.

3. Learn to surf. Just like a surfer rides an ocean wave, youcan learn to “ride out” negative feelings and temptations. Feelthe urge come upon you, feel it peak, and then ride it out asit passes. Experience the feeling as an impartial observer. Ifyou are tempted by fatty foods, observe your thoughts andreactions objectively, rather than emotionally focusing onhow sinfully good certain foods would taste.

4. Take a moment. A brief pause after a temptation canprevent setbacks and minimize snowballing. Cues and negativeemotions can trigger setbacks quickly, almost automatically;pausing for even a minute allows the urge to pass, and givesyou time to re-focus on your goals. Over time, graduallylengthen the pause.

Smokers have been shown to quit more easily if they pausebetween the urge to smoke and the act of lighting up. Similarly, a two-minutepause during meals aids weight loss, helping “stop the snowball” and allowing youtime to “feel” full.

5. Manage your attributions. Attributions are explanationsof “why” things happen, and they have a powerful impact onpsychological and physical health. Attributing setbacks toexternal and easily-changed causes wards off depression inthe long-term, and prevents snowballing in the short-term.

Simply put, people who view setbacks as temporary obstaclesthat can be overcome (e.g., “I didn’t pass the test becauseI didn’t study”) are likely to bounce back. In contrast,people who attribute setbacks to permanent, personal orpervasive causes (such as low intelligence, or lack ofwillpower) are most likely to “fall off the wagon” completelyafter a single lapse, and are at risk for depression.

Obviously you shouldn’t deny all responsibility for yoursetbacks. And although consciously managing your attributionsmay seem artificial and “forced” at first, with practice itcan be highly effective. In fact, it is at the heart ofproven therapeutic techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy.

6. Think about the benefits. Use a “glass half full” attitudeand recognize that short-term setbacks often have long-termbenefits. In rigorous weight-loss programs, people whoinitially struggle and suffer a few setbacks often have morelong-term success than those who initially find it easy.

Setbacks can have an inoculating effect that prevents over-confidence and triggers more thinking about the goal.Setbacks also present learning opportunities – you canlearn what tempts you, and what doesn’t work in terms ofavoiding temptation.

7. Carry a reminder card. After a setback, it is easy tofocus on your disappointment, and forget these setbackmanagement principles. To help put these principles intoaction, try carrying a reminder card to review after setbacks.

Here’s an example from a study of smoking cessation by relapseresearcher Dr. Alan Marlatt; it’s a nice combination ofsnowball prevention via pausing, pre-empting negativeemotions, managing attributions, and learning.

“A slip is not all that unusual. It does not mean that you have failed or that you have lost control over your behavior. You will probably feel guilty about doing what you have done, and will blame yourself for having slipped. There is no reason why you have to give in to this feeling and continue to smoke. Look upon the slip as a learning experience. What were the elements of the high-risk situation which led to the slip? What coping response could you have used to get around the situation?. Just because you slipped once does not mean that you are a failure, that you have no willpower, or that you are a hopeless addict. Look upon the slip as a single, independent event, something which can be avoided in the future with an alternative coping response.”

Confidence With People

With confidence you’re more attractive and likable, and you feel better than when you lack confidence. You’ve experienced the truth of that statement many times in your life. But isn’t confidence something you either have or don’t, something you’re either born with or not? Can you deliberately become confident?

I’m confident you can.

You see, if we just use a synonym for confident, the way becomes obvious. One of its synonyms is “certain.” And it is true that you feel confident wherever you have a lot of certainty. Think about it. For a teenage boy who wants to talk to a girl he likes, he may feel very awkward and not confident at all. But if he knew a lot about computers, and she was having a problem with a computer and asked his help, he could help her and feel confident doing so. Why? Because he would know what he was talking about. People feel confident when they are certain.

Therefore, wherever you would like to feel confident, develop more certainty about it. And I don’t mean an attitude of certainty, I mean to develop real honest-to-goodness, actual certainty.

If, for example, you have to get up and speak to a group next week and you don’t feel confident about it, start working to develop some degree of certainty: Talk to the people you need to talk to and find out who will be there and what they are expecting, and then prepare thoroughly. The more you prepare, rehearse, talk about what you will say to your friends, make notes, do research, the more certain you will be and the more confident you will feel.

As another example, a shy person might feel a lack of confidence meeting new people. When she’s introduced, she feels like running away. This is very common. Why? Because a new person is — by definition — unknown. Our shy person is not certain about anything except the person’s name (and if she is too distracted by her nervousness, she’ll quickly lose her certainty about that too).

But surprisingly, even with a person you’ve never met before, you can know with certainty quite a bit about him. And our shy person can increase her certainty and therefore her confidence when dealing with people by:

1. Learning more about the human nature we all have in common.

2. Learning more about manners (so you’re certain about what should be done when).

3. Learning strategies for getting to know someone.

You can learn human nature and manners and strategies so well you have a high degree of certainty about those things. This would add up to more confidence around people — even people you’ve never met before. A good book to start with is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

But there are many ways to gain certainty about people, and each one increases your feeling of confidence a little more. Confidence is not on or off; there are many shades of gray from No Confidence to Absolute Confidence. Any actions you take to increase your level of certainty slides you over a little more toward Absolute Confidence.

Excerpted from Adam Khan’s book, Self-Help Stuff That Works, a collection of powerful principles to help you accomplish more in your life and feel better doing it.

Pillar of Strength

In his book Grinding it Out, Ray Kroc, the man who made McDonald’s what it is today, wrote about his father. Kroc senior was a hard-working man who was doing well in real estate before the Depression, expanding his holdings and using credit to extend himself even further. “When the market collapsed, he was crushed beneath a pile of deeds he could not sell,” wrote Kroc. “The land they described was worth less than he owed. This was an unbearable situation for a man of my father’s principled conservatism. He died of a cerebral hemorrhage in 1930. He had worried himself to death. On his desk the day he died were two pieces of paper-his last paycheck from the telegraph company and a garnishment notice for the entire amount of his wages.”

Bad stuff happens, and sometimes it’s big. You don’t want it to crush you. You want to be strong. So start now taking every small bad thing that happens as an opportunity to repeat this idea to yourself:

There will be an advantage in this. I will find it or I will make it.

Repeat it until you see or can make an advantage out of it. If you will do this, you will stand as a fortress of strength for your family in situations that would make lesser men and women collapse in hopelessness. This idea is not some namby-pamby, rah-rah, positive-thinking nonsense. It is a source of tremendous strength. It may save your life some day. For sure it will be good for your health. Ingrain that thought-make that pathway through your brain well-worn-and you’ll be able to face up to difficulties that would make a mere mortal crawl and whimper.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is more successful than most people know. He’s made a lot of money with his films and married a Kennedy, but he’s also a smart and successful businessman outside of the movie business, with real estate, books, restaurants, and fitness clubs. He is hugely successful. In his autobiography, he wrote,

I didn’t get certain things I needed as a child, and that, I think, finally made me hungry for achievement…If I’d gotten everything and been well-balanced, I wouldn’t have had my drive. [Because of] this negative element in my upbringing, I had a positive drive toward success…

He held up under the strain and turned it to his advantage. He didn’t let it crush him because of the way he thinks. This strength is within your grasp: Find or make an advantage in everything that happens.

Excerpted from Adam Khan’s book, Self-Help Stuff That Works, a collection of powerful principles to help you accomplish more in your life and feel better doing it.

Mastery

Something is happening. After an entire generation of parents and teachers have worked hard to improve their children’s self-esteem, the level of depression in young people has skyrocketed. And according to Martin Seligman, PhD (a researcher who has spent his lifetime studying depression and ways out of it), the two are intimately linked. In his book, The Optimistic Child, Seligman writes, “By emphasizing how a child feels at the expense of what the child does — mastery, persistence, overcoming frustration and boredom, and meeting challenge — parents and teachers are making this generation of children more vulnerable to depression.” And he’s got a lot of research to back him up.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to improve a child’s self-esteem. Feeling good about yourself is healthy and valuable. But the way you improve self-esteem makes a big difference. When it is done with compliments, even if children feel better about themselves, they will be more vulnerable to depression when they hit one of life’s inevitable setbacks. They may feel good about themselves, but if they are weak and incompetent, life will eventually take them down.

On the other hand, if we try to improve our children’s self-esteem by helping them learn to overcome barriers and to persist in the face of frustration, if we help them learn to tolerate discomfort long enough to succeed at something, we’ve given them real and valuable abilities. Their confidence and belief in themselves will be based in reality, not merely in what people have told them. It’s a confidence that cannot easily be shaken.

This way of building a child’s self-esteem is harder on the adult and it’s harder on the child — in the short run. It’s quicker and easier to just say nice things. But in the long run, a sense of competence will do more for a child than any nice things you could tell them. Actions speak louder than words. The child’s own actions and the response they get from the world speak louder than any words, no matter how pretty.

Let’s give our children something real: competence. And from that competence, they will have a self-confidence that renders them immune to depression. The gift of mastery has no equal.

Excerpted from Adam Khan’s book, Self-Help Stuff That Works, a collection of powerful principles to help you accomplish more in your life and feel better doing it.

Butterfly Courage

By David L. Kuzminski

Walking down a path through some woods in Georgia in 1977, I saw a water puddle ahead on the path. I angled my direction to go around it on the part of the path that wasn’t covered by water and mud. As I reached the puddle, I was suddenly attacked!

Yet, I did nothing, for the attack was so unpredictable and from a source so totally unexpected. I was startled as well as unhurt, despite having been struck four or five times already. I backed up a foot and my attacker stopped attacking me. Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on graceful butterfly wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn’t have found it amusing, but I was unhurt, it was funny, and I was laughing. After all, I was being attacked by a butterfly!

Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me again. He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me over and over again with all his might, still to no avail. For a second time, I retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack. Yet again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to do, other than to retreat a third time. After all, it’s just not everyday that one is attacked by a butterfly.

This time, though, I stepped back several paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land on the ground. That’s when I discovered why my attacker was charging me only moments earlier. He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside the puddle where he landed. Sitting close beside her, he opened and closed his wings as if to fan her. I could only admire the love and courage of that butterfly in his concern for his mate. He had taken it upon himself to attack me for his mate’s sake, even though she was clearly dying and I was so large.

He did so just to give her those extra few precious moments of life, should I have been careless enough to step on her. Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the other side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely muddy.

His courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and heavier than himself just for his mate’s safety justified it. I couldn’t do anything other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side of the puddle. He had truly earned those moments to be with her, undisturbed. I left them in peace for those last few moments, cleaning the mud from my boots when I later reached my car.

Since then, I’ve always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly whenever I see huge obstacles facing me. I use that butterfly’s courage as an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth fighting for.

David L. Kuzminski

Greatest Story, The

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods.
They were discussing their hopes and dreams
when the first tree said,
“Someday I hope to be a treasure chest.
I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems.
I could be decorated with intricate carving
and everyone would see the beauty.”

Then the second tree said,
“Someday I will be a mighty ship.
I will take kings and queens across the waters
and sail to the corners of the world.
Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull.”
Finally the third tree said,
“I want to grow to be the tallest and
straightest tree in the forest.
People will see me on top of the hill
and look up to my branches,
and think of the heavens and God
and how close to them I am reaching.
I will be the greatest tree of all time
and people will always remember me…”
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true
a group of woodsmen came upon the trees.
When one came to the first tree he said,
“This looks like a strong tree,
I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter,”
and he began cutting it down.
The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter
would make him into a treasure chest.
At the second tree a woodsman said,
“this looks like a strong tree,
I should be able to sell it to a shipyard.”
The second tree was happy
because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.
When the woodsmen came upon the third tree,
the tree was frightened
because he knew that if they cut him down
his dreams would not come true.
One of the woodsman said,
“I don’t need anything special from my tree so I’ll take this one”
and he cut it down.
When the first tree arrived at the carpenters,
he was made into a feed box for animals.
He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay.
This was not at all what he had prayed for.
The second tree arrived at the carpenters,
he was made into a small fishing boat.
His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings
had come to an end.
The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark.
The years went by and the trees forgot about their dreams.
Then one day, a man and women came to the barn.
She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box
that was made from the first tree.
The man wished he could have made a crib for the baby,
but this manger would have to do.
The tree could feel the importance of this event
and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.
Years later, a group of men got in the
fishing boat made from the second tree.
One of them was tired and went to sleep.
While they were out on the water,
a great storm arose and the tree didn’t think
it was strong enough to keep the men safe.
The men woke the sleeping man,
and he stood and said
“peace” and the storm stopped.
At this time, the tree knew it had carried the king of kings in it’s boat.
Finally someone came and got the third tree.
It was carried throughout the streets
as the people mocked the man who was carrying it.
When they came to a stop,
the man was nailed to the tree
and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill.
When Sunday came, the tree came to realize
that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and
be as close to God as was possible,
because Jesus had been crucified on it.
The moral of this story is
when things don’t seem to be going your way,
always know that God has a plan for you.
If you place your trust in Him,
He will give you great gifts.
Each of the trees got what they wanted,
Just not in the way they had imagined.
We don’t always know what God’s plans are for us.
We just know that His ways are not our ways,
but His ways are always best.

Author Unknown

Your Autobiography

Portia Nelson reports that she has written her autobiography in just
five short chapters. It goes like this:

CHAPTER ONE
I walk down the street.
There’s a hole in the sidewalk.
It is a very deep hole.
I fall in… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER TWO
I walk down the same street.
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in… again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place, but it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER THREE
I walk down the same street.
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit, but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

CHAPTER FOUR
I walk down the same street.
There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER FIVE
I walk down another street.

What a marvelous progression from… a helpless victim of life
to… a victim of self to… taking responsibility to…
self-discipline to… making better choices!
We have all been helpless victims. We’ve all taken a fall. But
some people have chosen to be victors. If you were to write your
autobiography, how would it end?

By Steve Goodier, Publisher Life Support Systems

Determination (a number of years)

A number of years ago in Elkhart, Kansas, two brothers had a job at the local school. Early each morning their job was to start a fire in the potbellied stove in the classroom. One cold morning, the brothers cleaned out the stove and loaded it with firewood. Grabbing a can of kerosense, one of them doused the wood and lit the fire. The explosion rocked the old building. The fire killed the older brother and badly burned the legs of the other boy. It was later discovered that the kerosene can had accidentally been filled with gasoline.

The doctor attending the injured boy recommended amputating the young boy’s legs. The parents were devastated. They had already lost one son, and now their other son was to lose his legs. But they did not lose their faith. They asked the doctor for a postponement of the amputation. The doctor consented. Each day they asked the doctor for a delay, praying that their son’s legs would somehow heal and he would become well again. For two months, the parents and the doctor debated on whether to amputate. They used this time to instil in the boy the belief that he would someday walk again.

They never amputated the boys legs, but when the bandages were finally removed, it was discovered that his right leg was almost three inches shorter than the other. The toes on his left foot were almost completely burned off. Yet the boy was fiercely determined. Though in excruciating pain, he forced himself to exercise daily and finally took a few painful steps. Slowly recovering, this young man finally threw away his crutches and began to walk almost normally. Soon he was running.

This determined young man kept running and running and running — and those legs that came so close to being amputated carried him to a world record in the mile run. His name? Glenn Cunningham, who was known as the “Worlds Fastest Human Being,” and was named athlete of the century at Madison Square Garden.

Author Unknown

One Step At A Time

It is often difficult to imagine yourself reaching a great achievement. You look at someone who has built a massive fortune, or created a magnificent work of art, or achieved a prominent leadership role, and you have trouble identifying with that person.

When you look at any great achievement, usually you can see only the end result. That’s because the splendor of such an achievement overshadows all the little details which went into creating it. Yet the real substance of achievement is in the day-to-day details.

The person who builds a highly successful business does it mostly by doing the kinds of things with which you’re already quite familiar — talking on the phone, writing letters, paying the bills, buying new toner for the copying machine. The greatness in the achievement comes not from any supernatural skill or special advantage, but from persistence and commitment.

Great achievements are built day by day, step by step, by people just like you. Greatness comes from ordinary actions, focused on a specific objective, followed with steadfastness and resolve. Almost anything is possible when you are committed to pursuing it one step at a time. — Ralph Marston

Bathtub, The

by Michael T. Powers

This last Wednesday night I wanted to take a nice hot bath and read a book that was loaned to me called: “Reaching the Summit,” by Pat Summitt. (The University of Tennessee’s Head Women’s Basketball Coach) I was tired and a little stressed, and all I wanted to do was lie in the hottest water I could stand and read away. The problem with this little “getaway” for me was the fact that “Aqua Boy” lives in our house in the form of Caleb. There is not a bath that is taken in our neighborhood that “Little Marine Man” doesn’t know about. When he realized what I was going to do he started asking to take one too. Of course I said no. “Oh Pleazzzzzzzzzzzze Daddy?” ” Caleb I said no.” “But I wannnnnaaa!” After a couple of hundred no’s I told him that I would think about it. Then I put my finger on my cheek and tapped it a bit (To show that I was thinking) and then said no. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but hey, we parents can have a little sarcastic fun right? The problem was that mommy saw me do this. Not good. You don’t mess with the head of my wife’s offspring. Now I knew I was in trouble. Well, I climbed into the bathtub and turned on the water. AHHHHHHHHH!! This was going to be relaxing…. Suddenly there was our version of “The Water Boy.” He had asked Kristi if he could take a bath with me after I was done. She told him to go ask Daddy. So there he was. Big old puppy dog eyes that still had tears in them. “Daddy, can I take a bath with you when you are done?”

I knew I was trapped. “OK.” I said. “When Daddy is done you can come in here with me.”

His eyes lit up and he said, “That’ll be great!”

I went back to my book. The next time I looked up he had taken all his clothes off and had plopped himself up on the toilet. He wasn’t in a comfortable sitting position either. He had his feet on the seat and he was squatting down like a catcher. I looked at my naked son and asked him, “What are you doing?”

“I’m waiting for you to be done.”

“Caleb. When I am done I will call for you and then you can come in. OK?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Back to my book.

Once again I hear him come into the bathroom. This time he’s carrying his toy fishing pole that he got for Christmas from his Aunt Jana.

“What are you doing, Caleb?”

“I’m just watching you.”

“Caleb you need to leave until I call you.”

He pulled up his little stool that we keep in the bathroom to help him reach the sink when he is brushing his teeth. He promptly plopped his naked buttocks down on it.

“Caleb, you can’t come in until I am done.”

“I know Daddy. I’ll just sit here and wait until you are done.”

There he sat like Opie from the Andy Griffith show, with his fishing pole and his really bad hair cut from this last week, that makes his ears stick out…

Back to my book.

In the mean time my wife was sitting out in the kitchen listening to all of this…. grinning…..

By now it was really hard to concentrate on my book. I had only twenty minutes before I had to get ready for work, and I was really looking forward to relaxing….

I tried to concentrate on the words…..

PLOP!

I looked down in the water to see a great big plastic Fisher Price hook, connected to a colorful Fisher Price Fishing Pole, connected to the little hands of my bare son.

“Caleb. You can’t go fishing in the bathtub right now. Daddy is trying to take his bath.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” (Caleb always apologizes in threes.)

Instead of leaving he just sat there on his stool.

I tried to read but it was getting harder and harder.

“Caleb. What are you doing now.”

“I’m just gonna sit here and wait for you to get done.”

I tried to read one last time, but I couldn’t.

He just sat there next to the bathtub just staring at me with those big brown “doe” eyes. His new fishing pole over his shoulder…

What could I do? He broke me down. Minute by minute he slowly and methodically broke me down and reduced me to emotional mush. My son is not a very patient three year old. I guess not many are. But I couldn’t believe how patient he was being. He wasn’t crying and whining like he usually would in this situation….

My heart went out to him. “Caleb. Do you want to come in the bathtub now?”

“That would be great!” (One of his favorite sayings)

“OK. Come on in.”

We had a great twenty minutes of splashing, and fishing, and being kids together.

I had wanted so bad to relax and read my book. Almost wanted it too bad. I almost missed out on a good time with my boy. When I was driving to work that night I thought about how many times I have told him no. “I’m too busy.” “Maybe tomorrow.” Not right now, Caleb. I have a video to do.”

I’m getting better. I am realizing how special your kids’ early years are and how fast they go by. So many times, even when I take the time to spend with my wife and kids, there is something inside of me which keeps saying, “Do you realize how much time you are taking doing this? Do you know how much video editing you could accomplish right now?”

I’m learning to relax. I’m learning to enjoy my free time. I’m learning to take more free time. And thanks to a wonderfully patient wife and three year old, the voice inside me is diminishing to a whisper. Sometimes I can’t even hear it. Hopefully I will block it out totally in the near future. Hopefully I will begin to hear:

“Michael. Do you realize the time you are investing in your son right now?”

“Do you realize that you are honoring your wife and building a closer relationship together?”

“Do you realize that twenty years from now it won’t matter that you didn’t get that work done as quickly as you wanted?”

“Do you realize that your sons, daughters, and wife have become the most important to you?”

I am a ways off…… But Lord willing, that day will come.

Thanks for listening…..

Michael

I am happily married to my high school sweetheart and have two boys: Caleb (3 years old) and Connor (10 months.) I own a video production business and like to write in my “spare” time. When my children get older I want to pass along to them a collection of stories about their lives growing up and I find that through the writing of these stories I learn more about myself and my priorities in life…..

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