Maxine – The always funny lady!!

An assortment of funny Maxine images.  Guaranteed to make you smile!

The Puppy?

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and
set about nailing it to a post on the edge of
his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the
post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
down into the eyes of little boy.

“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your
puppies.”

“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat
off the back of his neck, “These puppies come
from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then
reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a
handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take
a look?”

“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out
a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran
Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain
link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the
dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy
noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably
smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat
awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward
the others, doing its best to catch up…

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the
runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said,
“Son, you don ‘t want that puppy. He will never be able
to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence,
reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down
both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made
shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir,
I don ‘t run too well myself, and he will need someone
who understands.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and
picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

“How much?” asked the little boy. “No charge,”
answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”

The world is full of people who need someone who
understands.

It’s National Friend ship Week.

Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.

If it comes back to you, then you’ll know you have
a circle of friends.

100+ Quotes – 140 Char. or less for Twitter

I will master something, then the creativity will come. Japanese Proverb

Change in all things is sweet. Aristotle

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. Martin Luther King, Jr.

A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child. Longfellow

It’s wonderful to climb the liquid mountains of the sky. Behind me & before me is God & I have no fears. Helen Keller

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. John F. Kennedy

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. Mark Twain

Courage is knowing what not to fear. Plato

All mankind is divided into three classes:those that are immovable,those that are movable,&those that move. Ben Franklin

A good decision is based on knowledge and not on numbers. Plato

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart. Anne Frank

I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
M.L. King, Jr.

All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming. Helen Keller

A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. Mark Twain

I want to be all used up when I die. George Bernard Shaw

Once you say you’re going to settle for second, that’s what happens to you in life. John F. Kennedy

All the gold which is under or upon the earth is not enough to give in exchange for virtue. Plato

Life is either a great adventure or nothing. Helen Keller

Give what you have to somebody, it may be better than you think. Longfellow

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. M.L. King, Jr.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. Mark Twain

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. Tolstoy

Any man may easily do harm, but not every man can do good to another. Plato

My share of the work may be limited, but the fact that it is work makes it precious. Helen Keller

If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it. Longfellow

Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light. George Washington

For a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories. Plato

The basic problems facing the world today are not susceptible to a military solution. JFK

An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day. Henry David Thoreau

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. Mark Twain

As the builders say, the larger stones do not lie well without the lesser. Plato

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. Helen Keller

As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence. Ben Franklin

To know and not to do, is really not to know. Steven Covey

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. Helen Keller

I want to be the white man’s brother, not his brother-in-law. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads. Henry David Thoreau

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. Anne Frank

Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction. John F. Kennedy

At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30, the wit; and at 40, the judgment. Ben Franklin

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you want to be happy, be. Leo Tolstoy

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure. Mark Twain

The human mind is our fundamental resource. John F. Kennedy

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap. Bob Hope

Every man dies. Not every man really lives. William Wallace

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others. Helen Keller

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain

The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. John F. Kennedy

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. Helen Keller

We lost because we told ourselves we lost. Tolstoy

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. Anne Frank

I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. Bob Hope

Be true to your work, your word, and your friend. Henry David Thoreau

Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction. Anne Frank

A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent. Martin L. King, Jr.

I’m an idealist without illusions. John F. Kennedy

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Benjamin Franklin

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. Helen Keller

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Satchel Paige

He not busy being born is busy dying. Bob Dylan

It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision. Helen Keller

A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have. Abraham Lincoln

Things do not happen. Things are made to happen. John F. Kennedy

Its not about the goal. It’s about growing to become the person that can accomplish that goal. -Tony Robbins

Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. Ben Franklin

In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you. Tolstoy

A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live. Martin L. King, Jr.

Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other. John F. Kennedy

It is hard to interest those who have everything in those who have nothing. Helen Keller

The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. Einstein

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. Daniel J. Boorstin

Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still. Henry David Thoreau

Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble. George Washington

Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. John F. Kennedy

The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity. Tolstoy

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. ML King, Jr.

It is your attitude more than your aptitude that determines your altitude.  John C. Maxwell

Always remember that the future comes one day at a time. Dean Acheson

Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all. John F. Kennedy

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? Albert Einstein

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. Tolstoy

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha

Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. John F. Kennedy

It is better to be alone than in bad company. George Washington

Each of our acts makes a statement as to our purpose.  Leo Buscaglia

I gave in, and admitted that God was God. C.S. Lewis

Pessimism never won any battle. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity. Henry Hartman

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle. Benjamin Franklin

Every human being is the author of his own health or disease. Buddha

An asylum for the sane would be empty in America. George Bernard Shaw

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. Ben Franklin

Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something. Henry David Thoreau

We are what we believe we are. C.S. Lewis

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.  Gandhi

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing. GB Shaw

Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire, called conscience. George Washington

If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. Bob Hope

To forgive someone means to take away the power this person has over you. Unknown

Animals are my friends… and I don’t eat my friends. George Bernard Shaw

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money. Bob Hope

Plans are nothing; planning is everything. Dwight D. Eisenhower

My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth. George Washington

(In case you don’t know who said it first) Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Andy Warhol

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.  Henry Ford

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  Fred Allen

Everything in the world we want to do or get done, we must do with and through people. Earl Nightingale

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence Aristotle

Most people fail in life because they major in minor things. Tony Robbins

The twin killers of success are impatience and greed.   Jim Rohn

Little Wiz on Leno! Funny!

embedded by Embedded Video

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work.

But, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s a blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

‘What in the name of good GOD are you doing?’

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’

I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, And where do you think you’re going?!’

(You’re gonna love this….)

She said, ‘I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.’

Mars – You Will Never See Mars Like This Again!

Women…The Bright Red Hat

2 elderly friends…

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and — lo and behold! –there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’

Bill replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’ ..

‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading to or over 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember —- now!

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Funny Cartoons – 1

Here is a great collection of funny sayings and cartoons. 

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